Pennmanship

I wrote two versions of this poem. I had to make changes when I turned it in for my portfolio. Which do you like best?

Penmanship (Original Version)

In her hand the pencil is an ice skater.
gracefully sliding over the ice
circles and figure-eights
Flowingly, languorously, effortlessly
Spinning and gliding along the ice
Tracing the beautiful shapes.

In my hand the pencil is an idiot child
with a limp
and tourette’s.
It stumbles and twists.
Blundering,bumbling, bungling about.
Tripping and spasming
And making a mess.


Penmanship (portfolio version)


Her hand with the pencil is an ice skater.
gracefully sliding over the ice
circles and figure-eights

Languorous spirals, effortless turns
Spinning and gliding along
Tracing beautiful shapes.

My hand with the pencil is an idiot child
limping
with tourette’s.
It stumbles and twists.
Blundering, bumbling, bungling about.
Tripping and spasming
And making a mess.